The L Word
by Urae
Summary: Raito is numb inside, ever since the death of L. However, realization will soon dawn on him. Rated T for self-inflicted wounds, etc. ONESHOT


Hi, all! This is my first Death Note story. I hope you like it!

* * *

It had all started not long after the death of L. An internal numbness had slowly consumed Raito, although he couldn't understand just why. His psyche was slowly deteriorating, which made him sink into an overwhelming depression.

The light-haired genius sat on his bed, curled into an upright fetal position, his eyes encompassed by dark circles. He had not slept for days, and had gone without any sustenance for over eighteen hours.

_Knock, knock._

Raito's eye twitched at the sudden, unwelcome noise.

"Raito, darling, dinner is ready. Aren't you going to come eat something?" came the muffled voice of Sachiko Yagami from behind the boy's closed bedroom door. "Raito?"

"I'm not hungry," Raito called back to his mother tiredly.

"Raito, what's wrong? You haven't eaten anything all day. I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine, Mother. Just let me be... please." Raito heard his mother's exasperated sigh, and her descent down the staircase.

But in all truthfulness, he was far from fine. He was a wreck, physically and mentally. He thought that his current state could be likened to being swallowed up by a black hole, which clouded his normally positive attitude and made him feel like he was the last person that inhabited the Earth.

Raito's fist clenched and his nails embedded themselves into his flesh. He reveled at the pain he experienced from this simple act and drove his nails further, further, _deeper_ into his skin, until they had pentrated the epidermis completely. Raito gasped at the sensation and looked to the palm of his hand. The small, nail-shaped lacerations were filling with beads of blood. Raito studied the wounds, his lips formed into a twisted smile. Light reflected off of the red beads that adorned his skin, much to Raito's pleasure. He drug his index finger across the wounds, smudging a line of blood over his palm and decided to take things one step further. The young man stood up and dug through the drawers in his room, his mind focused on one item in particular. After a successful hunt to find the object, he shivered as he held his X-Acto knife, and imagined just how wonderfully the blade would slice through his slightly tanned skin. Raito's hand trembled as he sat himself down, and he ran his intentions through his mind once again. Just a litte prick, just to make himself feel something.

He watched in morbid fascination as the blade sliced through the skin on the side of his wrist cleanly, evenly, smoothly. Blood oozed from the injury and a bead of the red substance ran down his arm, which made him shiver in pure delight. He could feel the pain that throbbed in his wrist, the pain that made him feel alive again. He prepared to make another cut, but stopped short. No, one throbbing wound was enough. That was all he needed; just one aching wound to make himself feel _something_ again. And he felt it, the pain, and deducted that he was still alive. Physically, anyway.

The problem with his new daily ritual was the evidence it left behind, carved right into his flesh. He remedied this problem with long-sleeved shirts. The other problem was that, each time he would press the blade to his skin, he always needed to make the cut longer, bigger, _deeper_ or else it would not satisfy his hunger for pain. But it was always worth it, in the end. He could stand to eat, drink, and even smile occassionally. He slept somewhat peacefully throughout the nights, with only the image of a man with ivory skin and ebony hair haunting his dreams. He could bear to live again.

This day, almost a year later, was different. The cold of winter embraced Mother Nature, making the trees fall bare, the leaves replaced with icicles. It started out as a decent day, until Raito looked at the calendar.

_November fifth, two-thousand-six._

The young man's breath hitched in his chest; it was today. _Today was the one-year anniversary of L's death._ Without warning, Raito felt his knees buckle, and dropped to the floor, his chest heaving and the rest of his body shaking pitifully.

But why did he react so negatively to this day? His enemy had been slain on this day, leaving Raito free to continue his work as Kira. Suddenly, his appetite was gone. He had a strong desire to curl himself up into a ball and wait for this day to be over and done with. Raito shakily got to his feet, and managed to get himself dressed. Subconsciously, he had picked out quite a fitting outfit; his clothes were all black. He wondered again why exactly it was that he was in such a depressed mood.

He had long surpressed his memories of L, and so they sat in the back of his mind, untouched. But suddenly, all of those memories came back to him in a rampant flood. The day L had gotten his ass handed to him on the tennis court by your's truly; the awkward time that they had spent chained together during the Kira investigation; L sleeping at his desk, his cheek pressed flush against the wooden surface. Raito remembered thinking that the detective's skin and hair looked beautiful in the glow of the computer monitor's light. He had then fetched a blanket and draped it around L's shoulders, though he didn't say a thing when L thanked Watari the next morning for the simple act of kindness. Raito collapsed back onto his bed, his hands wound through his hair as he gripped at his head, and tried in vain to make the memories stop. The young man's eyes brimmed with tears; he had never noticed before, and that fact made him feel stupid. The emotions that those memories brought to him.. they were feelings of anguish, regret, and an affection for L which Raito did not dare to label. Tears spilt down the young man's cheeks as he lost all control of his emotions, and he felt himself break into a million pieces. _This was not right!_ L was dead, and Raito was still alive. He had cherished that dark-eyed man, the only person who was equal to him. And then, Raito killed him.

No, no. Raito had not killed his beloved L; Kira had killed L. This was all Kira's fault, and this.. this was not the way things should be! But he and Kira were one in the same, weren't they? _Weren't they?_

No. No, no, no, no, _no!_ Kira was a monster. A beast! Raito was himself; Raito was kind and loving. Raito didn't want to kill people; Kira did. Kira was at fault for Raito's pain and suffering. Well, there would be no more of that.

Raito slowly regained his composure. If Kira and he were two seperate personalities, but they inhabited the same body.. there was only one thing to do.

Raito got back onto his feet, and scurried over to his desk drawer. Here, there was something hidden that no one knew about-- Raito himself had even forgotten what lay in the drawer, until today. The rummaged through the contents, and found what he was looking for. The rectangular newspaper clipping was crinkled from being stuffed away in that compartment, but still held what Raito needed. He sat the article down carefully on his desk, and pulled out a notepad, his hand shaking as he began to write on the paper.

"Raito! Lunch is ready. Please come downstairs and eat something. I'll force you to, if I have to!" Sachiko Yagami's voice rang out as she clomped up the steps, her patience worn thin. She knocked loudly on the door, "Raito, come and eat something."

After a few moments of silence, the housewife-slash-mother knocked again. "Raito, answer me!" But still, the silence persisted. Quite fed up, the woman grabbed the door handle and turned it, expecting it to be locked. The door popped open with a soft click, much to her surprise. "Raito..? Darling, are you al--" Sachiko's voice erupted into a shriek, making the other members of the Yagami family bolt up the stairs to see what was amiss.

"Sachiko? What's-- Oh.. my God," Soichiro choked, his gaze settling on Raito's bed.

There, the boy lay peacefully curled up, clutching a newpaper article which contained a photograph of a black-haired, pallidly-complected detective. On his nightstand was an empty pill bottle, which read _Litarex._ A heart written in pen encircled the letter _L._

"Mom? Dad? What's wrong?" Sayu Yagami asked softly as she pushed her way past her parents. Her eyes fell upon her brother's still form, and her eyes immediately welled up with tears. She collapsed down onto the floor next to her brother's bed.

"Soichiro, Sayu... There's.. a note." Sachiko Yagami picked up the folded piece of paper that lay on Raito's desk, flipped it open, and began reading it.

_"Mom, Dad, Sayu,_

_Do you know what today is? It is one year after I lost the person I love. But I never put two-and-two together, and didn't realize it until today. I guess love is funny like that. Will you all still love me if I tell you the truth?_

_Dad, L was right all along. I am Kira. Well, Kira and I were seperate, yet one. It's difficult to explain, really. But, I am still Kira. That much is true. I sent L to his death.. and now I'm sending myself to my own. I don't deserve to live._

_Mom, Dad, Sayu... I just want to let you know how much I love you. You are all such wonderful people, and I regret that I cannot stay with you any longer. But it's my time to punish Kira, to punish myself for my wicked deeds. I will always love you, my family, even in death. I hope that you can find it in your hearts to still love me, too. I'm so sorry._

_Love,_

_Raito."_

Sachiko Yagami abruptly burst into tears, joining Sayu beside Raito's bed. Soichiro Yagami slumped against the wall, his head bowed.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Raito was surrounded by white. He didn't know where he was. Was this the limbo that Ryuk had been talking about?

"Raito Yagami," a booming voice came from all the directions around the young man. "My Son, how you have strayed."

"I.. wha? Who are.." Raito's question died in his throat, and he sank to his knees. "God? Why.. why am I up here? I shouldn't be in Heaven or Hell. I should be in a dark abyss, in limbo for using that cursed Death Note. Why...?"

"My dear boy, I don't believe that you quite understand. Limbo is a lie. My children will always be judged by me, no matter who they are and whether they have used a Death Note or not."

"O-oh.. oh no. I'm going to Hell, aren't I? I'm going to burn for my sins," Raito stammered.

"Do you remember what your last thought on Earth was, Raito?"

"N-no, sir.. I-I don't."

"Let me tell you. You last thought was a _prayer_. You asked for my forgiveness, for me to forgive you for your heinous acts."

"I.. yes. I remember now. I-It didn't do me much good though, did it? I have killed many.. so, so many. Hell is the only place for a man like me," Raito whispered.

"Raito.. I forgive you."

".. What?"

"You are forgiven."

"H-how..? Why?"

"You were possessed, Raito. Possessed by that demon that is the Death Note. Your heart is pure and kind. All you had to do was ask for my forgiveness, and repent your actions. I am not sending you to Hell, Raito. Actually, there's someone waiting for you here, to take you to Heaven."

"Someone.. waiting for me?" Raito murmured.

"Raito-kun."

Raito whirled around; he knew that voice. His eyes fell upon a man in white, with ebony hair, ivory skin, and large, innocent eyes. "L!" Raito cried, his eyes watering. L smiled timidly, and approached his friend.. the person that he loved. The bronze-haired young man threw his arms around L, pulling him into a tight hug. "I am so.. so sorry, L. _I'm so sorry,_" Raito whimpered into the other man's shoulder.

"Raito-kun.. it's okay. I forgive you. Kira was never _you._ You did not kill me, Kira had me killed. It's okay," L whispered, his face buried in Raito's hair.

"T-thank you.. so much," Raito sobbed softly, clutching at L's backside. "I love you."

"I love you also, Raito-kun. Come now, let us go," L kept his arm wrapped around Raito's shoulders as they pressed forward.

"Thank you," Raito whispered, hoping God would hear him. The boy smiled softly, and descended to Heaven.

* * *

Please review, and tell me what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcome! ^_^

Note: Litarex is a prescription drug used to treat bipolar disorder. I was really just looking for a drug that start with the letter "L," at first. But then I saw it was used for treating bipolar patients, and I thought it fit perfectly. Because, y'know... Raito had those Kira-mania moments and then he's perfectly mellow the next minute ^_^;;;


End file.
